Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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