I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize