She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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