It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
