nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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