Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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