Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize