girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
