if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
