She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
