ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
