This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
