I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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