go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
