I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
