Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
