wake up i wanna do it froggy style
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
