I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
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