our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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