i jhust puked up my retainher.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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