I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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