I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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