did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
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