My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
