I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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