Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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