by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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