I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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