Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
