I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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