then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm jealous of your bromance
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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