I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
i've created a new STD.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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