Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
