did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Randomize
