We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
