remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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