you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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