I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
