how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
