I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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