So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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