Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
