3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize