I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
