im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
