My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
