Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
