FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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