im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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