I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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