I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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