my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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