Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
