He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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