i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Randomize
