My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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