Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
