Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
