I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Are my feet made of real feet?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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