I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
