If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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