oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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