Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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